Memories
by London Clockwork
Summary: Christmas GoF. Sirius and Remus remember and regret. Revised 9-25-03


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It's lonely on the town tonight

Wand'ring through the street

Padding silently through the streets of the Hogsmeade, Padfoot was glad his thick fur prevented most of the cold from reaching him. But there was a cold inside that had nothing to do with the snow. This time of year always brought it.

Memories, dark memories. There were so many of them, for the Dementors had stolen or stained any pleasant recollections he'd had. And to think of that Christmas, before everything went wrong…

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It's cold and it is snowy out

And there's not been much to eat

He was hungry, very hungry. There wasn't enough scraps in the cans for a large dog like him—he was lucky he wasn't starving, though, and could hope that perhaps Harry would send something down. No, that wasn't what tore at his insides; what hurt was thinking of the other Christmas, when they'd still been the Marauders and nothing could tear them apart—not even Voldemort.

It had been Harry's first Christmas, he had been five months old. They had all been there, he and Remus and James and Lily and _Peter_. They had talked and laughed, Sirius had gotten drunk on spiked Butterbeer, Harry had been learning to crawl and had nearly knocked the tree over.

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But what's most painful

Here in the dark outside

Are my memories of you

There is no way I can hide

Sirius hadn't cried for a long time. Azkaban seemed to have squeezed all the tears out of him. But the anguish was almost worse when he had no way to let it out…

He howled, and in the houses people started upright at the sheer agony in that noise. Sirius started running, heading back to the cave and Buckbeak and maybe the blessed unconsciousness of sleep.

He missed them most now. He missed their parties, the jokes, kidding around with them. He missed playing with Harry, he missed the _innocence_ of that time. Oh, Voldemort had been an ever-present threat, but they could forget for a while. As their faces spun before his eyes, disappearing in flashes of green light, he felt again that jolt as he once more was reminded that all those good days were gone forever.

Remus's face came to mind, as he reached his cave home and threw himself down.

__

Moony, he thought, _I hope you're not as miserable as I am now._

And I wonder if, maybe somehow

You'll stop and think of me

After all, it's been so long

Do you ever think of used-to-bes?

Bittersweet and now long gone

Sad and gorgeous memories

Remus Lupin was sitting in his armchair before the fire, in his small cottage, with a cup of hot cocoa on the floor by his foot. He was staring at nothing, and remembering everything.

They'd been his first friends, and his truest, through all those long and painful years. The full moons weren't so difficult, he didn't hurt so much when Padfoot, Wormtail, and Prongs were there.

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Wormtail. He still couldn't quite believe it, no more than he had believed that Sirius would betray James and Lily. But it was true, and Voldemort was rising again. Because of Peter.

In a curious way, though, the wizarding world had Peter to thank for their savior. If James and Lily had been safe, they wouldn't have died for Harry… and Voldemort would have won. 

__

You've been gone for years and years

But the memories still remain

Remus moaned softly, an animal sound of pain. What good did it do to rationalize it? They were _gone. _And nothing, not even thinking of what good they had brought about because of it, would ever make him believe that it was fair or right that they had died, or that he could ever really live again without them. Out of four, one was dead, another as good as dead—for Peter was no longer the Wormtail _he'd _known at Hogwarts—and the other was a fugitive who might never be allowed back into society.

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And though if I could, I might forget you

I remember through my pain

Remus closed his eyes. _I love you, James, Lily. I hope you knew that…_

Sirius twitched in his sleep, dreaming of Christmases long past, of warm firesides and laughing faces.

__

And I wonder if, maybe somehow

You'll stop and think of me

After all, it's been so long

Do you ever think of used-to-bes?

Bittersweet and now long gone

Sad and gorgeous memories

Somewhere, someone—two someones—was watching. And James and Lily Potter smiled, a little sadly, and their friends felt a little better, without really knowing why.

__

Maybe you're there somewhere

Looking down at earth and me

But I can't touch you, I can't see you

There's only fragile memories

Oh, sad memories 


End file.
